I’ve decided that I’m not too old for potty humor. It seems no one ever gets to old for potty humor, actually. Dane Cook is about 10 years my senior and he makes poopy jokes all the time, and gets paid for it! Do you know about the different kinds of dumps we can take? Here’s a brief primer.
The Dump Dictionary
The Impossible Fire Hose: This is one of those dumps you take where everything comes out in one sooth motion and only requires one cut; the result often resembles a fire or resting python. These are exceedingly rare occurrences, which is why they’re referred o as “impossible.”
The Event Horizon: When you lay so much brick that the output form a small hill that rises above the surface of the water in the bowl. Low-fill toilets don’t count. Courtesy flush encouraged.
Chocolate Shotgun: This is what happens when explosive diarrhea meets a weak O-ring.
Ring of Fire: A common occurrence when you drink the water in developing countries resulting in dysentery. After the third or fourth day, there will be literally nothing in your bowls to crap out, so the only thing left stomach acid.
Great Balls of Fire: When you have the above and you wipe from back to front.
The “I Moved to Hollywood”: When you spend a lot of time ad energy in preparation, try really hard, and nothing comes out.
Casper the Friendly Compost: When you’ve had nothing but pina coladas to eat or drink for twenty-four hours straight, you yield will literally become white. Try it!
The Girlfriend: Keeps going, and going, and going…
The Survivor: When you think you’re done and you wipe, a solitary turd pushes through at the last minute. This is usually the cause of clogged toilets because many people forget to flush after they wipe the first time. The second unit of toilet paper overwhelms most toilets, and you end up having to mop up poop off the floor. Or if you’re a guess at someone’s house, sprint to your car.
The Prison Break: When you’re pucker-butting for over thirty minutes, and you have to go up a flight of stairs, the stimulation will give way to a turtle head that will exploit a crack in the wall, letting one loose in your trousers and making you the butt of jokes for years to come.