A raisin smuggler, as we referred to them in middle school, is a woman who appears in public with the appearance of having two raisins in her shirt. Now I say “appearance”, because not all women are actually smuggling raisins. Many women are simply decoys contracted by members of the Communist party. Cameron Diaz (seen above) appears to conceal a rare strain of raisins grown exclusively within the guarded orchards of the Bay of Pigs. She is however, nothing more than a decoy. Authorities discovered long ago that no market exists for any type of food that comes into contact with Cameron Diaz’s skin.
Jennifer Aniston is one of hollywood’s foremost raisin smugglers. Wiki leaks recently exposed a partnership between the FBI and Coast Guard. According to the article, the two organizations formed a special task team assigned to locate Aniston’s private sea port, a hub for illicit raisin dealings. Sources indicate that Aniston smuggles roughly two raisins per every three trips to the grocery store.
Public enemy number one within the raisin trade is Kate Upton. Her raisins go for approximately $720,000 per photo shoot.
The raisin trade is a criminal epidemic. Upwards of 90% of raisins imported to the United States are illegally carried from Cuba by celebrities. Worst of all, no domestic policy exists addressing the systemic crime. This is a call to action to everyone reading this article. It’s time to speak out. I look toward a happier future in which no raisin ever finds its way into a granola bar.