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By now, you know how to hide a boner and when to give one as a gift, but did you know that popping a boner means different things depending on when you pop it? Think of it as a sexual preference barometer. Here is a quick reference guide.

BONER TIMELINE

60,500 BC – Man discovers his boner.
60,500 (Ten minutes later) – Man kills his first small animal using his boner as a blunt striking tool.60,000 – Man wipes out last dinosaur on earth (Figure 5).

334 – Alexander the Great invades Persia with a battalion of fully engorged men riding horses that are also fully engorged. The Persian army, found to be relatively impotent, was quickly overwhelmed.

6 AD – A child is born in China who is so well endowed that he comes to be known as Emperor  Wang and rules the Hsin Dynasty with his terrible pork-sword.

1200 – Giant brick boners are built all around the European countryside. Not having much practical use, the boners are later transformed into windmills.

1661 – Since Corvettes haven’t been invented yet, Louis XIV declares himself the absolute ruler of France to compensate for his small penis.

1891 – The zipper is invented. Crimes related to indecent exposure and public urination increase by 5000 percent.

1945 – Adolf Hitler takes his life at the conclusion of World War II. Not boner related, but still relevant since he was generally considered the biggest dick in history.

Sourcing and special thanks to Maddox and the Alphabet of Manliness

Image Source: theweatherwizkids, wallpapers

The Sexual Preference Barometer